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WW 02: Slow Your Snap Judgments

Hello, Wondering People! It's the second edition of Wonder Work, and our subscriber list has doubled. That's a fancy way of saying we're at 26 subscribers now. A sincere thank you to everyone that shared the first edition!

You are all my favorites.

Now, let's get ready to wonder! (Okay, I'm still workshopping the introduction.)

The Small Idea: Slow Your Snap Judgements

The Spark: The Knowledge Project "Celeste Headlee: The Dying Art of Conversation"

What if the greatest barrier to meaningful connection isn't what we say, but how we listen?

Nancy Martira Clew Strategy

In a world where we're constantly bombarded with information, our brains have developed efficient shortcuts. We hear a few words from someone and immediately begin formulating our response. I'm guilty of this, and it's highly likely you are too. In fact, if this ever becomes a crime, I could be charged with a felony. I want to do better.

As conversation expert Celeste Headlee points out, "We're listening not to actually absorb what they're saying, but to evaluate it. Evaluate if we agree, evaluate if they're right."

There is an evolutionary psychology reason for this (one assumes). Okay, this newsletter is not about assuming, it's about making you sound smart in meetings. So I went and looked it up.

Short answer: Human conversation is characterized by extremely short gaps between speakers — often just 200 milliseconds — while the process of formulating a spoken response takes much longer, typically over 600 milliseconds. To keep up with this pace, listeners must begin planning their response before the other person has finished speaking.

Long Answer aka Source: Levinson, Stephen C. & Torreira, Francisco (2015). Timing in turn-taking and its implications for processing models of language. Frontiers in Psychology, Volume 6. ​

The ability to quickly interpret, respond, and coordinate in conversation gave survival advantages to early humans. And in modern times, this mental habit of "snap judgments" serves us well when we need to make quick decisions or process vast amounts of information. But when it comes to genuine human connection, it's catastrophic.

Consider what happens in a typical conversation. Someone begins speaking, and within seconds, we’re running that shortcut function. We categorize their ideas, compare them to our existing beliefs, and prepare counterarguments. Meanwhile, the actual message they're trying to convey slips past us unnoticed.

"Active Listening" Makes it Worse

Headlee found in her experience that many of our conventional notions about "good listening" actually make the problem worse. Making eye contact, nodding, saying "uh-huh," or even summarizing what you've heard​ — practices often touted as active listening techniques​ — can distract us from truly absorbing what the other person is saying.

Instead of these performative listening techniques, Headlee suggests a radical alternative: transformative listening.

Curiosity ​ ​William Grant Still Jr. (1895 - 1978), was known as the Dean of African-American Composers. Still, a fascinating polymath, is also the grandfather of Celeste Headlee. Still left behind a staggering body of work, including symphonies, operas, ballets, choral work, and more. I’ve been listening to his work as I wrote this edition of Wonder Work, and I’m particularly fond of his piano music.​

Three Layers of Listening

Forget everything you've heard about "good" listening and "active listening." Consider, instead, the three layers of listening. While writing this essay, I learned that there are many listening models out there (who knew?) This model is most closely associated with Jack Mezirow, who developed the Transformative Learning Theory.​

1. Evaluative Listening: We're simply deciding whether what someone says is right or wrong. For most people, this is the default mode.
2. Interpretive Listening: Interpretive listening moves beyond evaluating the other person's argument and actively tries to understand their perspective.
3. Transformative listening: This is the nirvana of listening. When we practice transformative listening, we open ourselves up to being changed by the conversation.

Most people never make it past the first level. Since November 2024 (😒), I have deliberately challenged myself to engage in more interpretive listening. But transformative listening? I can probably count the number of times I've approached a conversation with a transformative listening mindset on one hand.

The Experiment: Working Towards Transformative Listening

Good conversation requires practice. Here are two practice exercises to try this week. The goal of these experiments is not necessarily to change your mind, or be swayed by an argument, but to recognize the boundaries of your knowledge and the speed of your assumptions.

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Here are two small experiments to try:

The Three-Second Pause: In your next conversation, mentally count to three before responding to what the other person has said. Use those three seconds not to formulate your reply, but to consider whether you've truly understood what they meant to convey. Notice what shifts — in the conversation, in your understanding, and in the quality of your connection. ​ Conversation Journal: Make a note of every conversation you have in a day. At the end of the day, spend some time recalling and reflecting. Categorize your listening mindset for each: were you engaging in evaluative listening, interpretive listening, or transformative listening? What information might you have missed?

What information am I missing? What might I not understand about this person’s experience?

The Wonder of Transformative Listening

The remarkable thing about moving beyond snap judgments in our conversations is what it does to our neural wiring. Researchers at Princeton studying "neural coupling" discovered something extraordinary: when we truly listen to another person, our brainwaves begin to synchronize with theirs. In some cases, this synchronization becomes so precise that the listener's brain‌ anticipates changes in the speaker's brain by fractions of a second.

This isn't just fascinating neuroscience; it's the biological foundation of empathy. When we suspend judgment and truly listen, we create the conditions for genuine understanding. This neurological synchronization explains why voice communication creates stronger bonds than text-based exchanges. It's the human voice itself that facilitates this empathic bond between brains.

And yet, despite having this remarkable capacity for connection, we're speaking less than ever. The average American adult now spends about 30 minutes a day texting, but only six minutes on voice calls. The irony is striking: at a time when political polarization and social division seem more pronounced than ever, we're abandoning the very communication tool most effective at building empathy and understanding.

Psychologist and author Jonathan Haidt has observed this pattern in his research on moral psychology. He notes that our initial judgments are typically driven by our emotions. Rational thinking serves primarily to justify those snap reactions after we've already decided. Breaking free of this pattern requires intentional effort.

This practice of withholding judgment isn't just about better conversations​ — it's about better thinking. Celeste Headlee says that engaging in cognitive diversity is when humans do their best thinking. "Agreement is not a great goal if what you’re trying to do is be innovative or creative in your problem-solving. Cognitive diversity is extremely helpful. That’s when you’ll get your best ideas, that’s when you will come up with the best plans. But we don’t enjoy it. It’s not comfortable."

The next time you're stuck on a problem, instead of seeking validation or working towards consensus, seek out the perspectives that make you uncomfortable. Invite the dissenting voices to the table. Your best ideas won't emerge from the cozy echo chamber of agreement, but from the productive tension of diverse minds colliding in genuine conversation.

The Question

What conversations in your life would be transformed if you approached them with genuine curiosity instead of judgment? What might you discover if you listened not to respond, but to understand?

And now for the Mystery Link!

You did it! You've made it all the way to the end of this essay. You deserve a little extra wonder in your life. This week, we've got a story about a hidden library and a story about a long-lost painting hiding in plain sight. So step right up and take a ride on the wild wide web! Guaranteed to feed your curiosity and starve the doom, if only temporarily. So, which will it be: Door Number One or Door Number Two?

​ Door Number One

​ Door Number Two

Reader Poll

In Wonder Work 01: Drop Your Tools, I proposed two small experiments: Identity Vacation and Reverse Routines. If you need a refresher, here's the link to Wonder Work 01.

Work with Nancy and Borrow My Wild Brain (or buy me a coffee.) ​ ​Meet Nancy Martira. ​ I'm a brand strategist and communications consultant who brings endless curiosity to every project. If you've got a challenge that needs a fresh, unexpected perspective, let's talk! How I Can Help →

"To invent your own life's meaning is not easy, but it's still allowed, and I think you'll be happier for it."

​ — Bill Watterson

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