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WW 03: Family Dinner Does a Headstand

Hello, Wondering People!

Welcome to the third edition of Wonder Work. I'm excited to introduce a new type of content this week called "Headstands." In these pieces, we'll take something familiar, turn it upside down, and examine it from unfamiliar angles to see what's not serving us and how we might improve it.

Did you eat yet?

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The Headstand: Family Dinner

The Spark: The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos, "Why Eating Alone is So Bad for You." ​

What if everything that stresses you out about family dinner is entirely optional?

Nancy Martira Clew Strategy

We all know that "family dinner" is one of those things that we *should* be doing. The family I live with is me, my husband, and one small dog. It's probably a million times easier for us to pull off "family dinner" than it is for you. And yet, at least twice a week, one of us stands in the doorway of the other's office and asks, "Scrounge dinner?" The reply is almost universally an enthusiastic "Scrounge dinner!"

When I saw an episode of The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos titled "Why Eating Alone is Bad for You," I rolled my eyes. I like eating alone, just like I enjoy traveling alone or going to the movies alone. I spent the first decade of adulthood single and living in New York City. I ate alone frequently — often in restaurants. And I refused to feel an ounce of shame or discomfort. I do kinda wish I spent more time cooking so that I'd have better skills sooner and that income back, but let's be honest. That wasn't going to happen.

​Dr. Anne Fishel is the co-founder of The Family Dinner Project and a part-time professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School. I had to admit that the data she was sharing on a March 2025 episode of The Happiness Lab was impressive. Kids who eat family dinner experience lower rates of anxiety and depression, lower rates of substance use disorders, and lower rates of teen pregnancy and eating disorders. They also exhibit more resilience, more self-esteem, and report feeling more connected to their parents. That doesn't even begin to address the cognitive and academic benefits for kids.

But I don't have kids, remember. Must I regret our household's liberating "freestyle" dinners?

Fortunately, or unfortunately, adults benefit tremendously from eating together as well. The World Happiness Report says that sharing meals is a primary driver of social connections around the world, and this is true regardless of age, gender, culture, and region. They report that Americans who dine alone have a lower life evaluation score of 0.5 points on average. University of Oxford's study from 2017 found that “people who eat socially are more likely to feel better about themselves and have a wider social network capable of providing social and emotional support.” And, more troublingly, a study from Japan found eating alone may be a risk factor for older adults developing depression. ​

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It was notable when former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy raised that alarm that loneliness was a growing public health epidemic contributing to premature death. It was even more surprising when the doctor began prescribing potluck dinners as a treatment plan. Dr. Murthy developed a platform around the idea that social connection is as vital to our health as food and water, and evangelized that gathering around a meal is one of the simplest and most effective ways to build and strengthen relationships.

Real Talk.

Okay, so we all know that family dinner is good for us, but I also know that sometimes it just feels impossible. The schedules and the busyness, the devices and the distractions, the whining and the pickiness, the mess and the chores, and, seriously, are the dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty?

(Again, family dinner at my house is on Easy Level. And yet, sometimes we forget to feed the dog.)

In this edition of Wonder Work, instead of exploring a Small Idea, we're going to strip out all of the expectations, old ideas, and toxic baggage of something that is causing us shame or annoyance. In my brain, I think of this as standing something on its head. I'm not trying to burn it down, just look at it in new ways to see how I might be able to change it in a way that works for me. So, let's flip family dinner upside down and stand it on its head.

Rules to Break

1. Family Dinner doesn't have to be "family."

"Family is anybody who makes you feel like home. Family is anywhere that you find community," says Dr. Anne Fishel.

If you’re stressing about who is around the table, I invite you to expand your definition of "family.” The benefits of communal eating come from connection, not genetic ties. Your "family dinner" could include:

• Friends who drop by on a regular weeknight
• Neighbors who gather for impromptu potlucks
• Colleagues who meet for lunch away from their desks
• That older person in your building who lives alone
• The community table at your local coffee shop

A successful family dinner isn’t one that checks all of the boxes; a successful family dinner is a gathering where people feel safe to step outside of their boxes and communicate authentically. The transformative power comes from the shared experience, the conversation, the moment of pause in an otherwise hectic day.

Curiosity ​ Talk about a try-hard dinner party: In 1903, millionaire horse guy C.K.G. Billings wanted to host an extravagant dinner party, because men with too much money have always been weird. Thirty-six guests arrived in formal dress only to find that the ballroom had been transformed into a fake pasture. Dinner was served on horseback, and guests drank champagne from tubes connected to chilled saddlebags. The ballroom was on the second floor of a restaurant in Manhattan — let that sink in.

2. Family Dinner doesn't have to be "dinner."

Who decided dinner was the gold standard for familial connection? (The patriarchy, probably.) Our ancestors ate together when food was available and when work schedules allowed. The sanctity of the 6 p.m. family dinner is a relatively modern construct, not a biological imperative.

Your "family dinner" might look like:

• A leisurely weekend breakfast when everyone's schedule is relaxed
• A regular Sunday afternoon tea ritual
• A late-night dessert and conversation after the kids are in bed
• A weekly family brunch tradition that friends can count on
• A group cooking session where the process matters more than the meal

The magic isn't in the timing or in a particular menu. It's in the ritual of coming together, the predictability of connection, and the space created for conversation and presence.

3. Family Dinner doesn't have to be home-cooked/every night/everybody/balanced meals/served on good dishes/etc. . .

Dr. Murthy encourages people to let go of the pressure to host perfect gatherings. Meals can be simple, informal, and even a bit chaotic. The act of sharing food, whether it's a potluck, leftovers, or takeout, creates space for connection.

"There are a lot of nutritional benefits that come from home-cooked meals, even if you're not trying that hard," notes Dr. Anne Fishel. The emphasis here is on "not trying that hard."

What if we stripped away all the performative aspects of family dinner and focused solely on what matters? For starters, I'm talking about tossing out:

• The Instagram-worthy presentation
• The idea that everyone must eat the same thing
• The notion that it must happen every single night
• The expectation that it's “mom’s” responsibility
• The guilt when schedules make it impossible

When we stand family dinner on its head, we might discover that the most nourishing meals are sometimes the simplest: a pizza ordered in but eaten together at the table without phones; a "snack buffet" where everyone grabs what they want but sits down together; a picnic of grocery store rotisserie chicken in the park.

I’ll be honest, Rule #3 is the hardest one for me to break. It clearly comes from the pride of hospitality I got from my parents and the idea that cooking for someone is an act of love — you don’t half-ass it. But if the former Surgeon General of the United States say it’s fine, maybe I can cut myself some slack.

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Here are two small experiments to try:

Where Does it Hurt?: If the words “family dinner” send a chill down your spine or a pain in your neck, try to pinpoint the exact source of the stress. Is it the pile of dirty dishes, or is it the kids bickering at the table? Is it the self-judgment of serving mac n’ cheese for the 18th time this month, or the disappointment of throwing away half the meal that no one ate? Before you can reconstruct family dinner in a way that works for you, it’s helpful to be crystal clear about the source of irritation. ​ Connection Invitation: Invite someone unexpected to share a meal with you – a neighbor you've only nodded to in passing, a colleague you'd like to know better, or that friend you keep meaning to catch up with. Make it clear the invitation isn't about impressing them with your cooking or your home, but simply about connection. Try Vivek Murthy's approach: "Our place is a total mess... but just come over." Notice how liberating it feels to drop the performance aspect of hosting, and how it might make your guest feel more comfortable, too.

The Wonder of Reimagining Rituals

There's profound power in taking our most cherished rituals and questioning their shapes and edges. Not to discard them, but to distill them to their essence and rebuild them in ways that better serve our actual lives rather than an impractical version tinted by nostalgia or guilt.

Family dinner, at its core, is about creating a reliable space for connection in a world that increasingly pulls us apart. When we strip away the rules and the expectations, we can rebuild this ritual in ways that‌ fit our lives.

The question isn't how to contort our lives to get a homemade meal on the table every evening at 6:00pm. The question is: what version of communal eating‌ works for your real life, right now? And how might reimagining this ritual free you from guilt while still delivering the connection we all need?

The Question

What's one aspect of "family dinner" that you could let go of this week that would make gathering together more joyful and less stressful? What might you gain by loosening your grip on how things "should" be?

And now for the Mystery Link!

You did it! You've made it all the way to the end of this essay. You deserve a little extra wonder in your life. This week, we've got two curious ways to experience books. So step right up and take a ride on the wild wide web! Guaranteed to feed your curiosity and starve the doom, if only temporarily. So, which will it be: Door Number One or Door Number Two?

​ Door Number One

​ Door Number Two

Work with Nancy and Borrow My Wild Brain (or buy me a coffee.) ​ ​Meet Nancy Martira. ​ I'm a brand strategist and communications consultant who brings endless curiosity to every project. If you've got a challenge that needs a fresh, unexpected perspective, let's talk! How I Can Help →

"To invent your own life's meaning is not easy, but it's still allowed, and I think you'll be happier for it."

​ — Bill Watterson

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